In case there was wonder

Still struggling with letting go of the alcohol. Fah. When I started, I never, ever believed it would be this hard to stop.

Such an optimist

Yes, I'm still drinking.

Last night was bad, I drunk-called my mom and I remember we ended up talking about the year she had cancer, and I cried.

But that's all I remember. Frick.

something changed?

I had a birthday this week.

Something in me changed, I think. I drank last night, but didn't enjoy it. I didn't make my usual liquor store run after supper to stock up for the weekend. I was sober before I fell asleep.

It was a very unusual day. Today feels equally unusual. I wonder what happened?

Another week eaten by the monster in my head

That monster who tells me I can have just one glass, it will help me unwind. It's such a liar. Or perhaps just an extreme optimist.

The original plan was to re-rehab myself this weekend, like I did last weekend, but this time, make it stick. My birthday's coming up, and I'd really like to be present for it. I'd also like to have some solid sober days under my belt leading up to it.

Not doing that well so far, because of that monster who keeps saying, "oh, just have one last one, for old time's sake."

Maybe I shouldn't blame the monster, maybe I should blame the self who listens to the monster.

That's the self that doesn't know how to let things go, to not judge, to not look at the house as a to-do list. That's the self who doesn't know how to relax. That's why that self listens to the monster. That self wants very badly to relax and doesn't really know how.

That self is ready to try though, finally. That self is ready to give it a shot, to let go of the crutch of the alcohol and learn to settle down and just be. That self -- ok, me. I have a lot of good relaxation skills outside of the alcohol. The alcohol is just more convenient, so I know I'm going to have to be strong, and not let it drag me in to its easy world. Because I can't just have one to relax.

For Memorial Day, I traveled out of town, and visited friends who are not aware that I'm an alcoholic (practically no one does). For three days and 20 hours, I was sober. And I was happy to be so.

But as soon as I got home, there was liquor waiting for me, and my defenses fell. I took up drinking again within hours of getting home.

Here I am again.

*sigh*

Or not at all.

Mmm. Cheetos.

Yeah, quitting? not so much. Man. I no longer know what to do, precisely.

Quitting is only going semi-well.

*sigh*

Tomorrow, we'll see

I'm trying to quit again this week. I'm missing out on a lot of my own life, particularly my spouse and my child. I'm giving my sober hours to my job (which I hate) and spending the rest of the time in a stupor.

I miss my life.

Part of the reason I fault myself for becoming an alcoholic is because I wonder fairly often if I should have married at all. I'm a loner by nature. Being here with a family is stressful for me. But I'm not brave enough to just walk away from all of that.

Sometimes I wish I was.

Musings on the side effects of being an alcoholic

We have a lot of debt.

There's a big portion of it that comes from buying a bigger house than we can really afford. Then, there's another portion that comes from my inability to stop myself from shopping. Particularly when I'm in my cups.

Between the expense of the alcohol and the "drunk shopping", I've spent a lot lately. This is decidedly a source of shame for me.

Yeah, that and the taking my kid to the liquor store.

I scare myself

The fact that I am able to write mostly coherent functional requirements while totally drunk? Yeah, not so good.

There's a reason they're called "spirits"

24 hours sober, or a little more, is when the emptiness sets in.

I'm drinking to fill a hole inside me. I'm drinking to avoid the boredom of my life. I'm drinking so I don't have to THINK. About anything. I've been thinking for a long time - all my life until a year ago - and I'm tired of it. I don't want to do it anymore.

At some point in the last two years, my spirit has gone missing, so I drink to see if I can find it again.

Or at least forget that it's gone.

Progress

I think I'm making progress most days. Yesterday, for example, I finished just a single bottle of wine rather than the typical one+.

Then today, a non-work day, the urge to drink strikes early and I feel it's a step backwards.

No, I'm not drinking yet, it's only 1:30 for cripes sake, but I want to. The problem today is part boredom and part stress; it's part habit and part dependence. The final tumbler in the lock is hiding the drinking. My SO is at work until 3, so it's easier to hide the drinking now as opposed to later.

But I will fight the fight, and walk the walk; I'll stay busy, clean the bathroom and do the laundry. Hopefully I'll make it until at least 4.

A glimpse of my mind

mind: It's not that big of a deal. You can buy one more bottle. What's one more bottle?
me: One more day of being crazy!
mind: No. You can't just quit after a night of two bottles. You've got to get one more.
me: Yeah, but it's not just one more.
mind: Sure it is, you can do it.
me: You've said that before.
mind: Yeah, but this time, we can do it.
me: You say 'we' now, but you've said that before.
mind: This time is different.
me: How, exactly?
mind: Because it's for good.
me: You've said that before.
mind: Not like this. We mean it.
me: Ok, let's try.

What ends up happening:
I drink more than one bottle. Maybe not two, but clearly more than one. The next night, the same conversation happens.

Repeat ad nauseum.

Quitting again

Trying something new. Quitting on a Thursday.

Better than that, I've come up with three alternative ways to deal with my stress. We'll see how it goes.

I've come up with three restrictions on myself as well. We'll see how it goes. The end goal is to be sober for six weeks come mid-June.

Being here

I am, in fact, here. I am listening. I am, generally, participating in life, generally.

And I am drinking.

How long?

Something like 42 hours, that's how long I made it.

That's how long I always make it. I say, "I'm quitting" and then I stop drinking on a Sunday. I'm good all day Sunday, and I go to work Monday sober, and have all my meetings and whatnot, and by the end of the day I'm wondering about finding another drink when work is over. Sometimes I quit drinking on a Saturday and make it until Monday, but it's been a while.

Yes, I'm drinking now.

I have a stress-inducing job. I have not adapted well to it, by any means. Of course, I know now, that I'm blaming my job for something that's really my problem. I started therapy with a LMFT almost a year ago to try and deal with it.

We did deal with the stress. We did make a lot of progress, but here I am, still drinking. We haven't gotten past that hurdle yet. I'm having a hard time even beginning to process the drinking, so we haven't even really touched on it.

Yes, I am an addict.

Taking it one day at a time

I quit drinking. This is day one for me. Starting over.

I will not drink today. I will take my medication and I will be present for the people who need me and the things that need my attention for the next 24 hours.

Who I am

I don't want to say. But I know.

I am an alcoholic.

A functional one, to be sure, but an alcoholic nevertheless. And I am ashamed. I'm not old. I'm not homeless. I'm not broke.

If you met me on the street, you would not know what I am inside.

My family doesn't have a history of alcoholism, on either side. But here I am. I've thought about twelve-step programs, yes, but I'm an agnostic that leans towards atheism. Accepting a higher power is not an option right now.

I've tried to make rules with myself, I've tried to play games. "This is my last bottle" I say as I buy it. It doesn't work.

I'm ashamed. I wish it wasn't so, but I don't know how to stop.