Who I am

I don't want to say. But I know.

I am an alcoholic.

A functional one, to be sure, but an alcoholic nevertheless. And I am ashamed. I'm not old. I'm not homeless. I'm not broke.

If you met me on the street, you would not know what I am inside.

My family doesn't have a history of alcoholism, on either side. But here I am. I've thought about twelve-step programs, yes, but I'm an agnostic that leans towards atheism. Accepting a higher power is not an option right now.

I've tried to make rules with myself, I've tried to play games. "This is my last bottle" I say as I buy it. It doesn't work.

I'm ashamed. I wish it wasn't so, but I don't know how to stop.