An on again, off again thing

This blog has turned out to be. I'm drinking tonight, so you know the sobriety hasn't stuck yet.

It's long past the hour I usually pass out and I'm still awake. This always makes me hopeful. That, and the fact that I haven't consumed the normal quantity of alcohol yet.

I've been, fairly honestly trying to quit again for about three weeks. The good news is that I have managed to cut back. I'm mildly OCD. This is part of why the alcohol is so hard to kick: when I set a routine it Must Be Followed, and the alcohol is a deep ingrained part of the routine. I've been working hard at modifying The Routine with some success.

Before, I used to drink two glasses before dinner, then one immediately after, and continuing on at a rate of about one every 30-45 minutes until I passed out or reached the bottom of the second bottle of wine (have I mentioned that I'm a wino?). Since trying to modify, I've almost entirely eliminated one glass before dinner. Occasionally I am still drinking that second glass, and those are the nights I crash the hardest.

I really do want to quit, but there are honestly two people inside my head most of the time now, the sober one and the alcoholic. The alcoholic is persuasive, to say the least, and the sober one is so uptight that morphing into the alcoholic seems like a release from the strain. I know there are better ones, but the alcoholic is the easy answer. Who doesn't like an easy answer?

In case there was wonder

Still struggling with letting go of the alcohol. Fah. When I started, I never, ever believed it would be this hard to stop.

Another week eaten by the monster in my head

That monster who tells me I can have just one glass, it will help me unwind. It's such a liar. Or perhaps just an extreme optimist.

The original plan was to re-rehab myself this weekend, like I did last weekend, but this time, make it stick. My birthday's coming up, and I'd really like to be present for it. I'd also like to have some solid sober days under my belt leading up to it.

Not doing that well so far, because of that monster who keeps saying, "oh, just have one last one, for old time's sake."

Maybe I shouldn't blame the monster, maybe I should blame the self who listens to the monster.

That's the self that doesn't know how to let things go, to not judge, to not look at the house as a to-do list. That's the self who doesn't know how to relax. That's why that self listens to the monster. That self wants very badly to relax and doesn't really know how.

That self is ready to try though, finally. That self is ready to give it a shot, to let go of the crutch of the alcohol and learn to settle down and just be. That self -- ok, me. I have a lot of good relaxation skills outside of the alcohol. The alcohol is just more convenient, so I know I'm going to have to be strong, and not let it drag me in to its easy world. Because I can't just have one to relax.

For Memorial Day, I traveled out of town, and visited friends who are not aware that I'm an alcoholic (practically no one does). For three days and 20 hours, I was sober. And I was happy to be so.

But as soon as I got home, there was liquor waiting for me, and my defenses fell. I took up drinking again within hours of getting home.

Here I am again.

*sigh*

Or not at all.

Mmm. Cheetos.

Yeah, quitting? not so much. Man. I no longer know what to do, precisely.

Tomorrow, we'll see

I'm trying to quit again this week. I'm missing out on a lot of my own life, particularly my spouse and my child. I'm giving my sober hours to my job (which I hate) and spending the rest of the time in a stupor.

I miss my life.

Part of the reason I fault myself for becoming an alcoholic is because I wonder fairly often if I should have married at all. I'm a loner by nature. Being here with a family is stressful for me. But I'm not brave enough to just walk away from all of that.

Sometimes I wish I was.