In case there was wonder

Still struggling with letting go of the alcohol. Fah. When I started, I never, ever believed it would be this hard to stop.

Such an optimist

Yes, I'm still drinking.

Last night was bad, I drunk-called my mom and I remember we ended up talking about the year she had cancer, and I cried.

But that's all I remember. Frick.

something changed?

I had a birthday this week.

Something in me changed, I think. I drank last night, but didn't enjoy it. I didn't make my usual liquor store run after supper to stock up for the weekend. I was sober before I fell asleep.

It was a very unusual day. Today feels equally unusual. I wonder what happened?

Another week eaten by the monster in my head

That monster who tells me I can have just one glass, it will help me unwind. It's such a liar. Or perhaps just an extreme optimist.

The original plan was to re-rehab myself this weekend, like I did last weekend, but this time, make it stick. My birthday's coming up, and I'd really like to be present for it. I'd also like to have some solid sober days under my belt leading up to it.

Not doing that well so far, because of that monster who keeps saying, "oh, just have one last one, for old time's sake."

Maybe I shouldn't blame the monster, maybe I should blame the self who listens to the monster.

That's the self that doesn't know how to let things go, to not judge, to not look at the house as a to-do list. That's the self who doesn't know how to relax. That's why that self listens to the monster. That self wants very badly to relax and doesn't really know how.

That self is ready to try though, finally. That self is ready to give it a shot, to let go of the crutch of the alcohol and learn to settle down and just be. That self -- ok, me. I have a lot of good relaxation skills outside of the alcohol. The alcohol is just more convenient, so I know I'm going to have to be strong, and not let it drag me in to its easy world. Because I can't just have one to relax.