Moderation is a place I'd like to live in. One where a few drinks here and there are nothing, and they don't drive one to buy liquor to fill in the next day (or two, or three).
Moderation doesn't seem to be in my body in any way, shape, or form. The only thing that keeps me from putting something I like (like red wine) into my body is an actual physical consequence. And, like most people, it needs to be a fairly immediate consequence. Like most humans, it's very hard for me to internalize the long term and make it real.
Goddamn evolution. Providing all the incentive to eat the "tastiest" stuff and none of the will power to say, "there will be more of this tasty stuff tomorrow", so you can shut off the "need to eat" for today.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
An on again, off again thing
This blog has turned out to be. I'm drinking tonight, so you know the sobriety hasn't stuck yet.
It's long past the hour I usually pass out and I'm still awake. This always makes me hopeful. That, and the fact that I haven't consumed the normal quantity of alcohol yet.
I've been, fairly honestly trying to quit again for about three weeks. The good news is that I have managed to cut back. I'm mildly OCD. This is part of why the alcohol is so hard to kick: when I set a routine it Must Be Followed, and the alcohol is a deep ingrained part of the routine. I've been working hard at modifying The Routine with some success.
Before, I used to drink two glasses before dinner, then one immediately after, and continuing on at a rate of about one every 30-45 minutes until I passed out or reached the bottom of the second bottle of wine (have I mentioned that I'm a wino?). Since trying to modify, I've almost entirely eliminated one glass before dinner. Occasionally I am still drinking that second glass, and those are the nights I crash the hardest.
I really do want to quit, but there are honestly two people inside my head most of the time now, the sober one and the alcoholic. The alcoholic is persuasive, to say the least, and the sober one is so uptight that morphing into the alcoholic seems like a release from the strain. I know there are better ones, but the alcoholic is the easy answer. Who doesn't like an easy answer?
It's long past the hour I usually pass out and I'm still awake. This always makes me hopeful. That, and the fact that I haven't consumed the normal quantity of alcohol yet.
I've been, fairly honestly trying to quit again for about three weeks. The good news is that I have managed to cut back. I'm mildly OCD. This is part of why the alcohol is so hard to kick: when I set a routine it Must Be Followed, and the alcohol is a deep ingrained part of the routine. I've been working hard at modifying The Routine with some success.
Before, I used to drink two glasses before dinner, then one immediately after, and continuing on at a rate of about one every 30-45 minutes until I passed out or reached the bottom of the second bottle of wine (have I mentioned that I'm a wino?). Since trying to modify, I've almost entirely eliminated one glass before dinner. Occasionally I am still drinking that second glass, and those are the nights I crash the hardest.
I really do want to quit, but there are honestly two people inside my head most of the time now, the sober one and the alcoholic. The alcoholic is persuasive, to say the least, and the sober one is so uptight that morphing into the alcoholic seems like a release from the strain. I know there are better ones, but the alcoholic is the easy answer. Who doesn't like an easy answer?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
It has been a long time
Even as someone who loves words like I do, the alcoholism consumes time most of all.
I'm a very functional alcoholic. I only drink in the off-work hours, and am pretty careful about drinking just enough to make myself pass out and yet not suffer a hangover.
However. I have now reached a point where my habit is financially unsustainable. (Holy crap, it only took something over two years.) More than anything, I have to drag myself out of this in order to save my family financially.
I've made a resolution, and I've made some progress. This is day two. I am working on quitting. I won't be 100% sober for about another week, minimally, but I'm making progress towards that.
And I want to record that progress. I want to make it out of here.
I'm a very functional alcoholic. I only drink in the off-work hours, and am pretty careful about drinking just enough to make myself pass out and yet not suffer a hangover.
However. I have now reached a point where my habit is financially unsustainable. (Holy crap, it only took something over two years.) More than anything, I have to drag myself out of this in order to save my family financially.
I've made a resolution, and I've made some progress. This is day two. I am working on quitting. I won't be 100% sober for about another week, minimally, but I'm making progress towards that.
And I want to record that progress. I want to make it out of here.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
In case there was wonder
Still struggling with letting go of the alcohol. Fah. When I started, I never, ever believed it would be this hard to stop.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Such an optimist
Yes, I'm still drinking.
Last night was bad, I drunk-called my mom and I remember we ended up talking about the year she had cancer, and I cried.
But that's all I remember. Frick.
Last night was bad, I drunk-called my mom and I remember we ended up talking about the year she had cancer, and I cried.
But that's all I remember. Frick.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
something changed?
I had a birthday this week.
Something in me changed, I think. I drank last night, but didn't enjoy it. I didn't make my usual liquor store run after supper to stock up for the weekend. I was sober before I fell asleep.
It was a very unusual day. Today feels equally unusual. I wonder what happened?
Something in me changed, I think. I drank last night, but didn't enjoy it. I didn't make my usual liquor store run after supper to stock up for the weekend. I was sober before I fell asleep.
It was a very unusual day. Today feels equally unusual. I wonder what happened?
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Another week eaten by the monster in my head
That monster who tells me I can have just one glass, it will help me unwind. It's such a liar. Or perhaps just an extreme optimist.
The original plan was to re-rehab myself this weekend, like I did last weekend, but this time, make it stick. My birthday's coming up, and I'd really like to be present for it. I'd also like to have some solid sober days under my belt leading up to it.
Not doing that well so far, because of that monster who keeps saying, "oh, just have one last one, for old time's sake."
Maybe I shouldn't blame the monster, maybe I should blame the self who listens to the monster.
That's the self that doesn't know how to let things go, to not judge, to not look at the house as a to-do list. That's the self who doesn't know how to relax. That's why that self listens to the monster. That self wants very badly to relax and doesn't really know how.
That self is ready to try though, finally. That self is ready to give it a shot, to let go of the crutch of the alcohol and learn to settle down and just be. That self -- ok, me. I have a lot of good relaxation skills outside of the alcohol. The alcohol is just more convenient, so I know I'm going to have to be strong, and not let it drag me in to its easy world. Because I can't just have one to relax.
The original plan was to re-rehab myself this weekend, like I did last weekend, but this time, make it stick. My birthday's coming up, and I'd really like to be present for it. I'd also like to have some solid sober days under my belt leading up to it.
Not doing that well so far, because of that monster who keeps saying, "oh, just have one last one, for old time's sake."
Maybe I shouldn't blame the monster, maybe I should blame the self who listens to the monster.
That's the self that doesn't know how to let things go, to not judge, to not look at the house as a to-do list. That's the self who doesn't know how to relax. That's why that self listens to the monster. That self wants very badly to relax and doesn't really know how.
That self is ready to try though, finally. That self is ready to give it a shot, to let go of the crutch of the alcohol and learn to settle down and just be. That self -- ok, me. I have a lot of good relaxation skills outside of the alcohol. The alcohol is just more convenient, so I know I'm going to have to be strong, and not let it drag me in to its easy world. Because I can't just have one to relax.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)